The thing is, you asked me. I never have, and never will, make the first move when it comes to you. I just can't do it which you've learnt by now. And now i can't even begin to know what to do. What am i supposed to say? It's always going to be the same isn't it - you're never going to see past that moment, right there and then. When they ask, you never answer. It's as though i always have to deal with this mess, but you know something: i'm not half as strong as you think i am. Not even slightly. You've got this image of me which isn't true. I do my best to be the one you want. Well, i think we've learnt that you want me, but the difference is, when i see you, i need you. It's not the same with us. We think differently. And i doubt that's ever going to change.

really strange dreams last night.

the first one was really emotional for me so i wrote down notes right after i woke up around 4am. i was a monster and i lived in a world where there were two classes of monsters, and one class was really mistreated at this one point. and so when me and my friend were kids, i switched monster classes with him because i was the good one and he was the bad one and i wanted him to have a life. then a war broke up with another country and all the bad classes were sent off to war, and he told me that he wouldn't leave me, so he disguised himself as the lower class and went off with me.

at "war" it felt like a video game (and i had a feeling that i had had this part of the dream before) and we had to dodge these mushroom things that would grab you and kill you. in the middle of these things was our base which was safe. behind the base were these scary dog things that could kill you if you didn't jump high enough. so on the way to the base, my friend and i got lost and had to hurry to the base and cut through the scary dogs. we got to the safe grass but then for some reason we went back into the mushroom area and he got captured by one. i managed to cut him free but his wrist was bleeding, and for some reason this made the commander realise that he was a higher class and sent guards to escort him away because he couldn't be here. i started freaking out and i ran to him and hugged him and was crying really hard. i didn't want to let go of him because apparently we had been together our entire lives when i woke up after that i still felt like crying.

it's strange, because while i suppose i am good friends with this kid, i only met him a few months ago and i don't really have that close of a friendship connection with anyone, much less with him. i'm hanging out with him today and i wonder if i'll get emotional, lol. i was actually talking to another friend about how i was surprised that i could hang out with him alone and how i usually don't like spending time with people alone because i rarely make friendship connections with people. i don't know, maybe i'm changing. maybe i just neeed to play more video games.

my next dream was much simpler. i was in APUSH and we were studying this imaginary point in american history in which this battle was fought over waterfalls and caves, and in some of the caves there were secret rivers called "iSummer" and "Encroachaaaa" and i impressed my teacher with how well i knew them. then i was randomly in my parents' bedroom singing in a really high octave.

and now i have to clean up my room because i'm going somewhere at six and won't be back for awhile. i should also do homework, but no. i think i'll just make my christmas list at some point.

I see the way you all look at me, I know you think I've been an idiot. Probably you're right.
But I don't know what else to do. And I'm really fucking scared.
I so badly want to, but I just can't trust you, and I know I should have known better.
He told me, if I want anything to work I need to get past it and not just deny it, and that sentence really struck me, because he was more right than he'd ever know.
It's so easy to forget, not so easy to forgive, that's the way I've done it my whole life, living in my own world where I pretend to be oblivious to the deamons because if they're not there they can't hurt me, right?
You said you'd never let anything hurt me, but how can you let promises like these slip off your tongue so easily whilst you're ripping me to shreds?

How do I know you're not saying all these things to a million other girls? How do I know you're being genuine when you hold me and tell me you'll be here?
I want you so much, but at the same time I already know you're going to crush me, and I'm just not strong enough to take that.

They're mad at you, you know, because they said they'd protect me too. That's why they think I'm stupid, because they're more mad than I am, and why aren't I angrier? Am I being too much of a pushover?

When I was a child, I used to believe in fairytale endings, but as I grew up I watched worlds fall down around me, love only ever turned to hate, friends to enemies and I got scared. But now you're prying me open, and I won't be able to stitch myself back up.
Just give me a reason to trust you, please?

 
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from where is this one?

I have fallen for him in the easiest way. I have kissed the lines in his neck and he has tasted mine. I have fallen, as I always known I had, into nothingness. Now who knows.


I hope this works. This time I won't be so scared. I don't think I can be, because your only ever given 2nd chances like this for a reason. To ignore it would be incredibly stupid. Looks like I'll have to say it.

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Tick Tock… (via KnowTomorrow)

OMG i have the black one of these but now i want them all!!